theMormonMind

Life before Mormonism

From the very beginning, my mother saw to it that I was raised a Baptist. Every Sunday, mother would get me ready and take me to church with her. I was baptized at the local Baptist Church when I was nine or ten years old. I believe I was related to at least half the members there at the time. I have no memory of my father ever attending church. Even though he didn’t belong to any church, he was a good man and had his own religion. I remember having long, deep discussions with my father at night, on lots of different subjects - and often we would talk about religion. He was actually very religious in his own way. More than anything else, I believe he taught me to think for myself and examine deep issues. I learned a lot from my father.

My paternal grandmother, who lived directly across the street, was a profound influence on my life. She had a grand piano in her living room and I would spend hour after hour over there playing it to death. She was raised a Methodist, but had been a practicing Baptist for decades. She went to church with us, and when I could play well enough, she decided it was time for me to start playing there. I was nervous, but she talked me into playing for the choir director, and before long I was the church pianist. I was about nine years old at the time.

Introduction to Mormonism

During my senior year in high school, things began to change. That was the year I finally got my braces off and began to gain a little self-confidence. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was about to make a life-changing decision: I had decided to date a Mormon girl.

We hadn’t been dating long before she began sharing her religion with me, and how wonderful it was in her life. I, of course, was in love, and listened to everything she had to say. It turned out that she was a Mormon, and her entire family belonged to the Church, so I began to hear about Mormonism from every angle. She belonged to a good family, and they were always very loving and kind to me, even after our divorce many years later.  Her brother was even a friend of mine in chorus, and was extremely devoted to his faith. He would bring his scriptures to school and share his beliefs as often as occasion would permit.

We dated for about four years before getting married. During this period, I received the missionary “discussions” from a number of missionaries. The discussions are basically a set of introductory lessons on the beliefs and teachings of the Mormon Church, and are designed to convert people to Mormonism - or as they call it, “the Gospel.” The discussions are presented by Mormon full-time missionaries. These are typically intelligent, clean-cut, energetic young men, ages 18-20 years old, who have voluntarily given up two years of their life to serve a mission. Currently, as I understand it, the Church has about 60,000 missionaries serving throughout the world.

I was afforded the opportunity to go through several pairs of missionaries over the next few years, listening to the discussions over and over. I am not sure why (it was so long ago, and my memory is quite poor), but for some reason I was hesitant to join the Church. I was always glad to listen to the missionaries, and I would engage them in frank, open discussion on basically any topic they wished. But I still held back and did not join. I believe that my love for my grandmother was probably one important reason for my reluctance to join. I knew that if I joined the Church, it would hurt her feelings deeply, and I certainly didn’t want to do that. Another reason, I believe, was my rather “scientific” frame of mind. I preferred ideas and concepts that could be clearly demonstrated and observed.

Conversion to Mormonism

However, after about three years of more or less constant exposure to Mormonism, I made the decision to join the Church. For some reason that I do not completely understand, I began to feel as though I had received a testimony of the truthfulness of Mormonism. Having done a great deal of studying lately, I have found that this is a surprisingly common phenomenon.

Basically, the process works like this: the missionaries present their message to a potential convert, usually in the person’s own home. As they do so, they cultivate an atmosphere of reverence, peace and love by speaking in soft, reverent tones, and expressing intense sincerity and conviction. During a discussion, they sit on the edge of their seats, alert and engaged. It is abundantly clear that they consider their message to be of the utmost importance. They usually bear their own personal testimonies, and offer prayers at the beginning and end of the discussion. When the meeting is nearly over, and the time has come for them to leave, they normally challenge the investigator to pray earnestly about what they have heard and ask Heavenly Father if it is true. They counsel the investigator that they should seek a warm, calm, peaceful feeling as a positive response to their prayer. They are told that this feeling will come from the Holy Ghost and is a witness from God that the gospel message is true. They schedule the next appointment and then leave.

You would be surprised how often this “works.” As I said before, I don’t fully understand this process, but it certainly does lead me to one unavoidable conclusion: We should not base a determination of truth simply on feelings alone. “He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered” (Proverbs 28:26). When my math teacher asks me what 2+2 equals, I don’t tell her that I will go home, pray about it, and get back to her. I use the brain my God has given me. Please don’t misunderstand me: I am not condemning the revelatory power of prayer and meditation. I consider it to be very real. What I am saying is this: don’t always trust your feelings. Sometimes they are right, and sometimes they are wrong. Any teenage girl who is on her tenth boyfriend can tell you that. Perhaps we should learn to fine tune our spiritual senses to carefully distinguish between a good “feeling” and the true promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Unfortunately, I was too young and foolish to know any better. I did what the missionaries said and trusted to my feelings. I remember thinking about the Book of Mormon, and the things the missionaries said, and how wonderful it would be if angels really were returning to earth again and bringing new revelations from God. I remember suddenly feeling very peaceful and happy about it. Mistakenly, I took this as a sign that the Church was true. Besides, I convinced myself that there couldn’t be any harm in it. As far as I could tell, the LDS Church wasn’t any better or worse than most other churches. The people were warm and friendly; they lived clean, wholesome lives, and seemed genuinely convinced of the truth of their religion. And, underlying it all was a belief in Jesus Christ. Their church was even named after Jesus, so how much more “Christian” could you get?

At the time I had no idea what a convoluted web of lies I was buying into. But, as I know now, I had been converted by one of their most powerful tools: they don’t tell you the complete truth. As I have studied the history of the Church, I have discovered that there is a great disparity between the “official” history of the Church, and its actual, true history. In fact, the Church leaders and polemicists are so embarrassed by their history that they often go to inordinate lengths to cover it up, gloss it over, and misrepresent it to the membership. Many BYU professors and Church Institute teachers have lost their jobs and, sometimes, their membership by digging too deeply into the true history of their own Church. It is fascinating to observe and study the Church’s revisionist approach to the telling of its own history. Suffice it to say that, if the missionaries had told me the entire story, I certainly would not have joined the Church. I’m not sure anyone would.

And this, I believe, is one of the important things that enables the missionaries’ message to bring about a conversion experience. The convert is not given an adequate presentation of the truth. Instead, they are fed a sugar-coated, sanitized, idealized version of the Church’s history and teachings. Difficult and embarrassing topics are omitted altogether, resulting in an inaccurate depiction of the Church’s rise and progress. Strange and confusing doctrines are never mentioned. Though it may sound surprising, I do not blame the missionaries for this. After all, they are inexperienced young men who have usually been raised in the Church, and have been fed this sugar-coated message their entire life. They learned the lie, and consequently, they teach the lie.

Looking back on this now, I can see that there was really no one to dissuade me in my decision. No one in my family really knew anything concrete about Mormonism. And my girlfriend’s family was equally unaware of the obscure doctrines of the Church.  If they had, perhaps they could have helped me avoid the mistake I was about to make.

Life as a Latter-day Saint

On May 31, 1983, I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As in many protestant faiths, the ordinance is performed by immersion. Unlike some churches, however, LDS baptismal services are usually held for only one person at a time. The entire meeting is focused on the individual baptismal candidate. There are hymns, prayers, and a few speakers. Due to my poor memory, I really remember almost nothing of my baptism.

Of course, in the Mormon Church, baptism is just the beginning. After baptism, you are confirmed a member of the Church, and you are given the Gift of the Holy Ghost (these are both ordinances). Then, if you are a male, you receive the Aaronic (or Levitical) Priesthood, usually being ordained to the office of a Priest. You then wait until the next Stake Conference (which is never more than six months away) to be approved to receive the Melchizedek Priesthood. You are then ordained to the office of an Elder. Such was the case with me.

After joining the Church, a new member is not allowed to attend the temple for at least one year. My girlfriend and I had decided that we wanted to be married in the temple. If you study Mormon teaching closely, you’ll learn that a woman can only attain exaltation through her husband. If she is not “sealed” to a worthy priesthood holder in the temple, she can not reach the celestial kingdom. In fact, in the resurrection, she can only come forth to inherit celestial glory if her husband calls her forth. If he does not call her, she can not join him. Most Mormon women (and men, for that matter) have no knowledge of this doctrine. I only learned it about it recently myself.

Anyway, as soon as my year of waiting was up, we scheduled an interview for me to receive a “temple recommend.” This is a “worthiness” interview with your bishop where you are asked several questions in order to determine your worthiness to enter the House of God.

Mormon temples are places that are designated for the performance of special ordinances. Mormons consider these ordinances to be absolutely essential to gaining exaltation in the celestial kingdom. Not only do members go to temples in order to receive these ordinances for themselves; they also return to the temple over and over in order to stand as proxy for those who have died. Mormon doctrine teaches that those “beyond the veil” can choose whether to accept or reject these ordinances. These ordinances include: baptism for the dead, washing and anointing, endowments, and sealing. Mormons are instructed to never discuss these ordinances in detail outside of the temple - not even with fellow members. Mormons are told that this is because the ordinances are so “sacred.” To those outside of the Church, they are simply “secret” - not sacred.

In retrospect, I am amazed at how compliant and accepting I was at that young age (I was twenty at the time). I should have been shocked and offended by the rituals performed in the temple. Instead, I was rather fascinated and entertained by what I saw.

Seeds of Doubt

Possibly the first hint that something was not right came while I was teaching Institute class (at the time, this was an adult-only class, held in the evening, and focusing on Church history). There, I discovered that Joseph Smith was a Mason, and that the temple endowment ceremony was almost identical to some Masonic rituals. Though it bothered me a little, I just accepted Joseph’s explanation that Freemasonry was the “apostate endowment.” But somehow - I suppose subconsciously - it became one of the first substantial seeds of doubt sown in my mind.

In the early 1990s, my marriage began falling apart, and we divorced in 1994. My wife’s family began seeing the Church for what it really was, and they all resigned their memberships.  My Branch President was released about this time, and, as a result, I, too, was released from my calling in the Branch Presidency. Though this was a difficult period of my life for a number of reasons, in retrospect it was a bit of a turning point. Being removed from a leadership position in the Church gave me a different perspective on things. At the time, I had been in the Branch Presidency for nine of the past eleven years of my membership, so I had spent almost the entire time in a leadership position. Also, I suddenly became a single, divorced Mormon - a group that tends to be marginalized within the Church. According to Mormon doctrine, only husbands and wives who are “sealed” together in the temple for “time and all eternity” will be allowed to enjoy the blessings of the celestial kingdom - the highest level of Heaven. Not only was I no longer sealed - I wasn’t even married. According to the Church, I was no longer on a path that would return me to the presence of my Heavenly Father.

In 1996 I became engaged to the most wonderful person in my life, and I married her the following year. I was still a Mormon at the time, and I’m sure that caused her some concern. But for some reason, she married me anyway. So, as we started our new life together, I began splitting my time between two churches: the Mormon Church and the Baptist Church. This was a bit strange. I would attend sacrament meeting from 9-10 AM at the local LDS Branch, and then drive quickly to the Baptist church to attend preaching service from 11-12. Despite the fact that I no longer attended Sunday School and Elders Quorum meeting at my Church, I still considered myself devoutly Mormon.

After we moved in 2002, I began attending the local Ward, where I was soon called as church organist and pianist, and also the Ward Music Chairman. Soon thereafter, I was also called as Stake organist. I attended sacrament meeting every Sunday morning, and then joined my wife at her church. I also continued to play for Stake meetings as necessary.

Dissatisfaction

During this period of my life, I began to notice that my membership in the LDS Church was no longer bringing me any satisfaction or fulfillment. Perhaps this is because I had reached a point in my life where I expected something more out of my religion. Every Sunday I would play hymns from the hymnbook, listen to the prayers, talks and testimonies given, and then leave. I had now been a member for about twenty years, and this gave me pause to reflect.

What had I gained from being a Mormon these past twenty years? The Church had taken thousands of hours of my time in pointless meetings and temple attendance; it had to one degree or another alienated me from many of my friends and family; it had made unreasonable demands on my resources as a man, a husband, a church member, a musician, and a father; it had burdened me with guilt for failure to meet its demands; and, probably most damaging, it had supplied me with a complicated, inconsistent, and inaccurate perspective on the world and my place in it. Even now, having discarded the Mormon cosmology, I sometimes find it difficult in my mind to separate deeply engrained Mormon teachings from genuine Christian teachings.

What was my future in the Church? From my point of view, the Church certainly didn’t seem to be growing. Sure, I always heard speakers talk about our “fast-growing” church, and the missionary effort, and so on. But when I looked around the congregation from week to week, and from year to year, I just didn’t see any substantial growth. I began to wonder, if this was the Lord’s Church, why was it so difficult to get new members? After all, when Jesus was performing His ministry on earth, there were crowds constantly following Him around. At times, He had to get into a boat to get away from them for a while. I didn’t see anything like this in the Mormon Church. Every week, I saw the same faces. Every Stake meeting, I heard basically the same talks on missionary work, member retention and getting more baptisms. Things began to feel very stagnant.

And attendance was not all that was stagnant. As I listened to the messages delivered over the years, I began to notice that I really wasn’t learning anything new. Year after year I would hear the same talks on tithing, attending the temple, the power of the priesthood, the importance of families, testimonies, the Book of Mormon, and, of course, the supreme directive to follow the counsel of the Church leadership. I heard very little about Jesus, but I certainly heard a lot about Joseph Smith, our “beloved prophet.”

Of course, I thought, this may just be a problem with me, not the Church. In fact, the Church implicitly teaches that, if someone leaves the Church, it’s because of a problem with them - not the Church. So, I began observing the other members of the Ward a bit more closely. I talked to them in the hallways and the classrooms. I had brief glimpses of the workings of their lives. I was not impressed. To me, it seemed that most of us were simply going through the motions of church membership: attending our meetings, fulfilling our callings, attending the temple, handing out copies of the Book of Mormon, etc. I rarely saw anyone who really looked happy. Most people just looked tired and burdened, either with trying to satisfy all the demands of the Church, or with guilt at failing to do so. In fact, many people were downright depressed. And they felt guilty for being depressed!

Questions

Over the years, I had been keeping a sort of “mental list” of things that bothered me about the Church. I finally decided that it was time to pull out my mental list, dust it off, and look it over carefully. I discovered that my list had grown to be quite large, and it had some very important issues on it. For example, how does the Church explain these things?

Joseph used of a peep stone while translating the Book of Mormon.
How can Joseph’s treasure-digging activities be considered consistent with his supposed calling as a Prophet of God?
Polygamy used to be considered essential to exaltation, but now it no longer does.
Some of the Church’s beliefs and teachings are racist.
The Church teaches that the American Indians are descendants of the ancient Israelites, but DNA tests have proven that they are, instead, of Asiatic descent.
The endowment ceremony was clearly plagiarized from Masonic rituals.
If the endowment was revealed by God, why has it been changed so many times since it was introduced in 1842?
Why have so many of Joseph Smith’s prophecies failed?
Why were the Book of Mormon plates kept hidden and secret, while the Book of Abraham papyri were actually put on display for an admission price?
Through modern scholarship, we now know that the Book of Abraham papyri are clearly common Egyptian burial documents dating from the time of Jesus; however, Joseph said that they contained the writings of Abraham and were written by Abraham’s own hand - nearly 2,000 years earlier. How does the Church explain this discrepancy?
There is absolutely no incontrovertible archeological evidence to support the Book of Mormon as a genuine ancient document.
Even after 175 years no scholars can agree on a definitive geographical setting for events described in the Book of Mormon.

In order to answer these and many other questions, I decided to make use of one of the most powerful tools available in the world - and it was right there at my fingertips. Of course, I’m talking about the Internet.

It wasn’t long before I began to realize the treasure trove that I had stumbled into. To say that I was astounded would be to make an understatement. I simply could not believe how much information there was out there on Mormonism. Any topic you could think of, from peep stones to polygamy, and from temple ordinances to Church history, it was all there. And if I couldn’t find information on a very specific topic, I could easily go to amazon.com and order the very book I needed - all without even leaving my desk!

As I pored over article after article, my eyes began to open. One by one the dominos began to topple. It was like watching the shadows retreat before the dawn. Confusion was being replaced with clarity, and lies were being replaced with truth.

I was shocked at my appetite. I read everything I could get my mouse on. I would read during the day, and at night I would take my laptop to bed and read in the bed until the wee hours. It was as though some force was guiding me to the truth, drawing me forward, almost compelling me to drag all the skeletons I could find from their Mormon closets and fling them out into the light of day.

Without a doubt, one of the most important, as well as one of the most interesting websites I found was exmormon.org. This is a website totally devoted to people who have recently left the Mormon Church and are seeking a support group. Here, I found hundreds and hundreds of personal stories from ex-Mormons. It was amazing. I know that, unless you’ve been through the experience yourself, you really won’t be able to fully appreciate what something like this means to a Mormon who is just beginning to have his eyes opened.

One of the things that really struck me was the similarity of the stories. It almost seemed as though God had stirred the hearts of each of these people in roughly the same sort of way in order to lead them away from the lies of the Mormon Church. Some had been members all their life, while others had been converted at some later point. Some were old and some were young. Yet almost all of them would describe their experience as being similar to being blind and suddenly being able to see. Again, as I said before, it’s hard to understand if you’ve never been there before.

I can personally testify to the profoundness of this change. It may sound strange, but I’m actually having trouble remembering what it was like to “think” as a Mormon (though to me this now sounds a bit like an oxymoron). I look at some things now and I say to myself, “How did I ever believe that? What was I thinking?” Ironically, I look at Mormons and ask, “How in the world can you believe that?” - when I, myself, believed the very same thing not two years ago. This is what it’s like to have your eyes opened. I guess it’s like being a teenager and then becoming an adult. Pretty soon, you can’t even remember what it was like to think like a teenager. We look at our teenage children and ask, “What were you thinking?” or “What in the world are you doing?” Like entering into adulthood, leaving Mormonism represents a fundamental shift in the way one thinks.  As I alluded to before, perhaps this change is so profound because, for the first time, I was actually thinking - not just blindly obeying.

Answers

So, what did I find out? I found out that Joseph Smith was not really a prophet of God; that the Book of Mormon is not really a translation of an ancient document, but is instead a work of fiction originating in the nineteenth-century; that the temple ordinances are not revealed from God and are completely unnecessary for either salvation or exaltation; that the priesthood had not been restored to the earth by angels; that the Book of Abraham is a work of pure fiction; that Joseph Smith had at least thirty-three plural wives, eleven of which were teenagers (one or two of which were only fourteen), and another eleven were already married to other men; that the Church is in reality a multi-billion dollar corporation that thrives on the tithing and sacrifices of the poor; that women are treated as second-class citizens; that the Church actively attempts to conceal and/or rewrite its history; that individual expression is crushed.

I discovered that many, many lives have been emotionally damaged by the Church and its teachings; that the Church uses guilt as a tool to obtain obedience; and that priesthood leaders often abuse their positions of authority.

One by one, as these answers became clear to me, I began to feel a weight lifting off my shoulders. I believe that truth always brings this type of release. It is recorded that Jesus once said, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32). I was given the pleasure of experiencing this freedom firsthand, and it is truly wonderful. I no longer had to feel guilty about not attending the temple; not wanting to read the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Book of Moses, and Book of Abraham; not doing my home teaching; not attending General Conference; not handing out copies of the Book of Mormon; not inviting the missionaries over to teach someone in my home; not attending boring Stake meetings; and not taking a subscription to the monthly Church magazines, and so on.

I remember just sitting at my desk, leaning back in my chair, looking at the ceiling and saying to myself, “It isn’t true. It just isn’t true. And that’s wonderful!”

Decision Time

It took months and months for me to investigate all my issues. During this time, I continued to attend church as usual and perform my duties. This was a very strange and stressful time for me. It became harder and harder to make myself go to church.

By November of 2005, I had decided that my only option was to leave the Church. All vestiges of my testimony were completely destroyed. I no longer believed the Church was true; I didn’t believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet; I didn’t believe that the Book of Mormon was the word of God; and I didn’t believe the current Church leadership was made up of men called by God.

On Friday, January 13, 2006, I mailed my letter of resignation to Salt Lake City, directing them to remove my name from the roles of the Church. I sent this letter via Priority Mail with Delivery Confirmation. Over the weekend, on January 15, I fulfilled my commitment and performed my last function for the Church. Then, on January 17, my letter was confirmed as being delivered. At that point, I was legally no longer a member. Several days later I received written confirmation from Church headquarters that my name had been removed from their records and that I was no longer a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was now a “Latter-day A’int.”

I met with some of my close friends in the Church and broke the news. This was a very difficult thing to do. Since these were my friends, I definitely did not want them to hear about my decision second-hand. So, I prepared a brief letter along with a short paper explaining my decision and the reasons for it.

One by one, I spread the news to my relatives. For the past twenty-three years they really didn’t quite know what to think of me. It made me feel very good inside to see the relief and acceptance in their eyes when I told them the news. It began to feel like a member of my family again. And that was good.

What Have I Learned?

If I wanted to, I suppose I could look at the past two decades of my life and say that the time I spent going to Church was wasted. I could count up all the hours I spent sitting in meetings, listening to speakers, performing ordinances in the temple, going out with the missionaries, paying tithe and fast offerings - and then present a bill to the Church demanding remuneration for my services. But that’s just not how I feel.

I am not really bitter or angry. Sure, I was deceived and misled. Much of my time, no doubt, was truly wasted. But I have a priceless experience now that hopefully I can share with others. I feel a strong desire to share what I have learned with my LDS friends. Most of the Mormons I know are truly good people. They are genuinely trying to do what they believe is right - just like all of us. Sure, there are fanatics in the Church, as well as backsliders, gossipers, and so forth. But those types of people are everywhere - in every church. Those types of things are human problems - not Mormon problems.

I’ve had to stop and ask myself, “What have I learned? How can I keep from making the same mistakes again? What do I have to share that would be of benefit to my Mormon friends?”

I have learned that I must not fear truth. Many of us are sometimes afraid to examine our own beliefs too closely, lest we discover them to be false. Indeed, this can be a harrowing adventure. But isn’t it worth it? Wouldn’t we rather know the truth than be lulled into complacency by a lie? Do not be afraid to examine the things you believe. Always remember this: Truth can withstand scrutiny.

I have learned that I must not rely solely on my feelings in order to determine truth. Feelings are important, without a doubt. But, don’t let them take the place of research and reasoning. If you were on trial for murder, would you want your lawyer to petition the jury to base its decision solely on their feelings? Or would you, instead, demand that he turn over every stone in search of cold, hard evidence to support your innocence? I know which way I would choose. And isn’t our eternal life much more important than our earthly one?

I have learned that one must be extremely careful when trying to determine what is true and what is not. It is so easy to give in to “wishful thinking” and thereby allow ourselves to be deceived. It is very easy to only see what we want to see. Always remember: If something sounds too good to be true, it usually is. I don’t mean to sound negative, but I’ve been fooled once, and so, in a way, I’m sort of on the defensive. I am reminded of the saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

I have learned to be careful of close-mindedness. It is very easy for us to become completely close-minded about our religion. Some people won’t even get into a discussion about a different point of view. It’s their way or the highway. Of course, this is not entirely bad. Had I initially been a little more close-minded, I probably would have never joined the Mormon Church. However - and this is important - I must also remember that, had I been more close-minded, I would never have left the Mormon Church, either. So, like I said, we should be careful about it. One thing is for sure, though: A completely closed mind will never learn anything new.

I have learned that God is not a respecter of persons. I do not believe that God shows preference to his children based on gender or race. “Red and yellow, black and white,” they are all precious in His sight.

Finally, I have learned hundreds of facts about Mormonism that to me clearly demonstrate that its claims are false. I would truly like to get these facts into the hands of my LDS friends. It bothers me that not only are they not aware of most of these things, but that the Church has clouded their minds in order to keep them from even seeking out the truth. I pray for guidance that I may be able to do whatever I can to expose them to the truth and hopefully open their minds to it.